home + happy

The Lord Saved the best for last and we get to parent them! (No pressure!) How do we stay inspired as we seek to mentor and guide our children towards their God-given purpose? In 2011, our youngest child, Pepper, came into our family. She was 2 months early, a bundle of light, and so very perfect. She complimented our then 4 and 6-year-old boys beautifully. We were a perfect little family of 5 and all was well. However, we soon discovered that Pepper has Cerebral Palsy, and life wasn't going to look so NORMAL after all. There would be surgeries, therapies, equipment and a lot of unknown. It took us all some time to wrap our minds around this new way of life. When you become a parent, you have this idea in your head of what it's going to look like. And then, it very rarely does! This story, written in 1987 by Emily Pearl Kingsley, says it best: "I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this...... When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting. After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland.""Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy." But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay. The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place. So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met. It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts. But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned." And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss. But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland. "Strong-willed children were designed to cling tenaciously to the strongest will of all…the will of God." "Begin with the end in mind." Have a vision. What do you want your home to feel like? What message do you want to empower your children with? How can you EMPOWER yourself to give them these things? What habits can you change that will have the most impact? Recently my mother read this to me over the phone and it really sunk deeply and got me thinking about some changes I could make in my own home. So, here's the deal. This isn't just how it is for "special needs" parents. I truly feel that this is how it ends up for ALL parents at one point or another! And the "pain" DOES go away!! When you have faith that God has a very significant purpose for these children and that every circumstance in their lives leads them to learn and grow and teach others along the way, there is only peace! A few years after Pepper's birth, through a lot of struggle academically and emotionally for our boys, we came to the decision that it would be best for them to be educated in the home. (And that has been quite the journey!!) The biggest thing I have learned though is that ALL CHILDREN HAVE SPECIAL NEEDS!! Some are more obvious, like my daughter's need to be in a wheelchair, but others may present as a behavioral issue or something not immediately noticeable. There is no one-size-fits-all for parenting! Many children are described as being "strong-willed" and "difficult". And it can be SO hard to know how to help them and how to teach them. But look at it this way: "Strong-willed children grow up into strong-willed adults! I know it's miserably hard when they're throwing fits over a bag of goldfish at the grocery store, but one day that tenacity is going to serve them well when they face peer pressure and worldly temptations. Because of what we are doing right now, "training them up in the way they will go." They will be the last to depart from the righteous path! It is my prayer that one day we, too, will see their stick-to-it-iveness as a blessing, when we look at it from the backside of these challenging years. God made our children strong-willed so that once they put their faith in Him and submit to his will, they will not be detoured. Those iron wills will not fail. When God sees a need, he sends a baby. Or in this case, a whole generation. The children in our homes are that generation! They NEED to be strong! We have to guide that, and protect that! "Picture the face of each of your children or grandchildren. Look into their eyes and see what potential is there. If you are like most parents, you will see and feel that they were born to be special, to make a difference. This is not just because you love them; it is because it is true. The leaders for the twenty-first century-not only the generational icons, but the parents, educators, business owners, artists, scientists and church and community service leaders-live in our homes. They will find their voice in service and accomplishment in their own field. They deserve the highest quality of [guidance, direction, and love], and it is our responsibility to help them get it" -Oliver and Rachel Demille, The Phases of Learning When I began to understand this for myself, I felt so very inadequate, and like I was already such a huge failure to these kids. But I have come to learn through having the trials with our daughter and the boys that I have everything I need already inside of me!!! When God sent these children to me, he bestowed upon me everything I need in order to raise righteous, loving, courageous children unto Him! We have prayer! We have other wonderful mothers to look to as examples and we are not alone in this! Stephen R. Covey taught us to "begin with the end in mind". "Dream big. Let yourself imagine a home where your words set a tone of loving-kindness. A home where your first reaction is compassion instead of annoyance. Where you replace the fiery cycle of anger and guilt with conviction and spiritual growth. A place where you draw the hearts of your children towards grace and where every one of you thrives." -Amber Lia, Triggers; Exchanging Parents' Angry Reactions for Gentle Biblical Responses From my journal March 3, 2018: "This is the most challenging battle I have possibly ever experienced. And yet, I march willingly into it every single day, knowing the difficulty ahead and that I don’t yet have the strength, knowledge or energy. I’m aware that those things will come as I carry onward, and that it’s going to be worth it if I just trudge on. Sometimes I break. Sometimes I say things I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t seem to hold my tongue. I hurt those I love when I know I should be a source of peace, love, and encouragement. At times I do get stretched thin. I snap easily. But I am reminded that this work I am doing is not a small thing. I’m a parent. I have taken on this great responsibility and honor willingly and with all the love in my soul. And I’m not just trying to keep them alive or get them to graduate so they can have a job, no. I’m trying to raise the future leaders, people who think BIG, dream BIG, and love BIG. I’m going against societal norms and trudging less traveled paths, sometimes it feels like I’m going uphill through quicksand, in a hailstorm! It’s really really hard when those I am trying to take on this journey are fighting me every step of the way. And so I have the work to help them WANT to be on the trip, to inspire them to move along of their own accord, experiencing the good in the journey, the learning, the JOY in developing interests, learning new things, and pushing themselves when the path has obstacles." “Wherefore, be not weary...for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great.” (D&C 64: 33-34)" We mothers truly are laying the foundation of a great work! And it may not feel like it, especially on those days that you find yourself hiding in a closet bawling and praying for patience, but this is such an important calling!! Carve out some time for YOU, whether it's early in the morning, or late at night, or during the day. You need to find time to center yourself and learn so that you can be better equipped to lead out. These kids are the very best, most valiant, and STRONGEST WILLED spirits God has sent and they deserve our very best!